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Birmingham, George A., 1865-1950

"The Simpkins Plot"

Then _I_ should get no luncheon. I don't shrink from
sacrifice in a good cause, Major, whenever sacrifice is necessary; but
I see no point in starving myself merely to satisfy your ridiculous
ideas of chivalry."
"Well, then, you go and give them their lunch, and leave me here."
"That's the worst plan you've suggested yet," said Meldon. "If I go
without you I shall be a damper on the whole proceedings. A third
person on these occasions always finds the greatest difficulty in not
being in the way, whereas if you come we can stroll off together after
lunch under pretext of searching for lobsters or something of that
kind, and leave the happy couple together."
"Happy couple!" said the Major. "They look it."
"Get into the punt at once," said Meldon, "and don't try to be
sarcastic. Nothing is less becoming to you. Your proper part in life
is that of the sober, well-intentioned, somewhat thick-headed, bachelor
uncle. You do that excellently; but the moment you try to be clever
you give yourself away piteously."
"Your own part, I suppose, J. J., is that of irresponsible buffoon."
"No; it's not. What I do best is just what I'm doing--arranging things
for other people, so that difficulties and unpleasantness disappear,
and life looks bright again.


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