This was no relief to me neither; on
the contrary it occasioned as much distress in me as the other had
before done, _as it_ invited all to come to _Christ_ and I found myself
so wicked and miserable that I could not come--This consideration threw
me into agonies that cannot be described; insomuch that I even attempted
to put an end to my life--I took one of the large case-knives, and went
into the stable with an intent to destroy myself; and as I endeavoured
with all my strength to force the knife into my side, it bent double. I
was instantly struck with horror at the thought of my own rashness, and
my conscience told me that had I succeeded in this attempt I should
probably have gone to hell.
I could find no relief, nor the least shadow of comfort; the extreme
distress of my mind so affected my health that I continued very ill for
three Days, and Nights; and would admit of no means to be taken for my
recovery, though my lady was very kind, and sent many things to me; but
I rejected every means of relief and wished to die--I would not go into
my own bed, but lay in the stable upon straw--I felt all the horrors of
a troubled conscience, so hard to be born, and saw all the vengeance of
God ready to overtake me--I was sensible that there was no way for me to
be saved unless I came to _Christ_, and I could not come to Him: I
thought that it was impossible He should receive such a sinner as me.
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